Consumer Stories: Philip Paul
Mental illness has affected me a lot in my life; mostly bad. There is a silver lining in that cloud. Maybe even a pot of gold, I hope. Looking back at the hell I went through, at least in my mind, in the 20 years I have done in a mental institution, I am now getting into my second wind. At least, I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel with the Mental Health Transformation Project and National Schizophrenic Foundation hopefully opening a few doors for me and other mental patients.
It was a big blow 20 years ago. My whole world came crumbling down around me. I was an Olympic Hopeful in the sport of free-style wrestling. I had been working as a longshoreman in the summers in Alaska in the Aleutian Islands making money for a training facility for boxers, wrestlers and other art forms. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks (breakdown, mental illness), hearing voices, hallucinations delusions, the whole nine yards.
I define recovery as being able to have goals, "a normal life", whatever that means (having a girlfriend, house, car, money). Accomplishing things that I think are meaningful to me. Having confidence, even though my therapist and care providers feel I am "grandiose". It's been tough to stay positive in such a negative environment. A lot of the rules and expectations put on mental patients are very degrading and insulting, I feel.
My hopes and dreams are to take all of the knowledge in the world, positive and negative, good and bad, like solar, hydrogen, gasohol, wind power, generators and use and perfect them to the best of our ability. Like using the earth at it's 50 to 55 degrees temperature under the frost level. More importantly than material things i.e., jewelry, fancy cars and houses that aren't practical. There ain't no doubt people are what it's all about. Like the old passing down to the young, the God given talents that are going to waste in this case. I don't care if you don't fit in the box. Neither did Goldie Locks.
To maintain wellness on a daily basis for me, can be a real challenge. I have to worry about the voices in my head, changing the channel in my head to what I want to hear and think about... re-framing. Re-framing is a very important tool in getting control of my mental illness. It's kind of like you push a button on a computer and it's going to do a certain thing. Re-framing is where you change what happens when people push your buttons. It takes a lot of practice. For me, the thoughts in my head telling me I'm fat, dumb and ugly. And the icing on the cake is that "you're a murderer". It's a real mouthful. At times, I feel like I have bit off more that I can chew. Then again, it was the cards I was dealt. I have the responsibility to play them the best way I can for my fellow man.
It doesn't matter if you're a ditch digger or a doctor. The richest man in the world or living down on skid row. You only have 80 to 100 years to go. It seems to me that a lot of the people with God given talents are going to waste in this throw away place. The doctor should be healing man in all aspects of healing. Not just a pill pusher. The ditch digger should eat the right foods, and get the right sleep to work a full day digging ditch if that's his niche.
Mental health services that can help me are: crafts class, working with clay or wood, painting and the big one, playing my guitar trying to be a star. Seriously, though, the people that have helped me most are my fellow patients. Talking with them, I realize I'm not the only one in this pickle jar. My delusions about radio and TV giving messages to me. One of the biggest things is appreciating the little things. A lot of the time we don't know what we got until it's gone. Dealing with the stigma of mental illness at times can be tough. But there's a lot of people that got it rough. Like the man that has no shoes, seeing the man that has no feet. Or, the man that can sing when he doesn't have a thing.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have a mind. It's the most powerful thing in the world. It can be our best friend or our worst enemy. Think about infinity.
